12 Solutions to Fix the Strait of Hormuz
Each solution to the Strait of Hormuz problem has been carefully evaluated by absolutely no one with relevant credentials. Can we fix the Strait of Hormuz? Technically no. But we tried.
Just Ask Nicely
Send a polite diplomatic email to all parties. This is our third follow-up. Please RSVP.
Train the Dolphins
Expand the US Navy Marine Mammal Program. Strap a barrel to each dolphin. 21 million of them.
Giant Trebuchet
Build a medieval siege weapon large enough to yeet oil barrels across 33km at Mach 1.7.
Aircraft Carrier Bridge
Park ~100 aircraft carriers side by side. Lay plywood. Drive trucks across. Click to deploy.
Operation Krazy Straw
A covert underwater pipeline disguised as a very large drinking straw. Iran must never know.
Physically Move Iran
Use tectonic engineering to relocate Iran somewhere less inconvenient. ETA: 200 million years.
Drain the Strait
Just pump all the water out. Walk the oil across the seabed. Only 31.4 trillion gallons to go.
Dig a Canal
Draw your own canal through the Arabian Peninsula. Click on the map and watch the budget evaporate.
CrudeCoin™
Tokenize every barrel of oil as an NFT. Ship it as data. The oil stays in the ground. You own the JPEG.
Accelerate Climate Change
Melt the ice caps faster. Raise sea levels until the Gulf floods wide enough to make the Strait irrelevant.
Just Rename It
If renaming the Gulf of Mexico worked, why not rebrand the strait? New name, new vibes, same chokepoint.
Time Travel
Go back in time and prevent the tectonic plates from ever forming the strait. What could go wrong? Don't think about it. Feel it.
Crude Oil Situation Room
Real-time WTI crude pricing. Because nothing says "geopolitical stability" like watching oil prices tick in real time.
Solution Comparison Matrix
A side-by-side evaluation of all 12 proposed solutions to the Strait of Hormuz. None pass review. Some are worse than others. The committee regrets everything.
| Solution | Cost | Feasibility | Wars Started | Dolphins Required | Geneva Violations | Rating |
|---|---|---|---|---|---|---|
| 01. Just Ask Nicely | 1 Stamp | Optimistic | 0 | 0 | 0 | Ignored |
| 02. Train the Dolphins | $2.1T/yr | Unionized | 0 | 21,000,000 | 3 | Steve Said No |
| 03. Giant Trebuchet | $LOL | Medieval | 2 | 0 | 7 | Oily Crater |
| 04. Carrier Bridge | $1.16T | Plywood | 1 | 0 | 2 | Navy Said No |
| 05. Krazy Straw | $80B+ | Embarrassing | 0 | 0 | 1 | Found in 4hrs |
| 06. Move Iran | Incalculable | Geological | All of them | 0 | Every single one | 200M Years |
| 07. Drain the Strait | $∞+ | Insane | 1 | 0 | 4 | Ocean Refills |
| 08. Dig a Canal | $200-800B | Expensive | 3 | 0 | 2 | Budget Gone |
| 09. CrudeCoin™ | The Planet | Rugpulled | 0 | 0 | 0 | SEC Incoming |
| 10. Climate Change | Civilization | Underway | 0 | 0 | 0 | Already Doing It |
| 11. Just Rename It | $4B (branding) | Precedent Set | 0 | 0 | 0 | 194 Countries Disagree |
| 12. Time Travel | 1.21 GW | Paradox | ∞ | Unknown | Temporal | DeLorean Won't Start |
What Actually Happens If the Strait Closes?
This is the one section on this website that isn't a joke. The Strait of Hormuz is a real chokepoint with real consequences. Here's what happens if it shuts down.
The Strait Closes
Whether through military blockade, mines, or political decree — traffic through the Strait of Hormuz stops. The roughly 21 million barrels per day that normally flow through the world's most critical chokepoint stay where they are.
Oil Markets React
Crude oil futures spike 20-40% within hours. Brent crude, which normally trades at $70-90/barrel, jumps past $120. Algorithmic trading amplifies the panic. Every energy desk on the planet is making phone calls. Cable news starts using the word "crisis."
Strategic Reserves Open
The US Strategic Petroleum Reserve holds about 400 million barrels — roughly 19 days of Hormuz flow. The IEA coordinates a global release. This buys time, not a solution. Markets stabilize slightly, then keep climbing as traders do the math.
Asia Gets Hit First
Japan, South Korea, India, and China receive the bulk of oil through Hormuz. Japan imports ~88% of its crude oil, much of it through this strait. Refineries begin rationing. Industrial output slows. Gasoline prices double at the pump worldwide. Airlines start cancelling routes.
The Ripple Effect
Oil doesn't just make fuel — it's in plastics, fertilizers, pharmaceuticals, and chemicals. Supply chains seize. Food prices spike because modern agriculture runs on petroleum-based fertilizers and diesel-powered logistics. Countries with low reserves face shortages. The global economy contracts.
The Bypasses Aren't Enough
The Habshan-Fujairah pipeline (1.5M bpd) and Saudi's East-West pipeline (5M bpd) can bypass the strait, but together they handle less than a third of normal flow. LNG tankers that supply 25% of global liquefied natural gas have no bypass at all. The gap is roughly 14 million barrels per day — and there's no infrastructure on Earth that can fill it quickly.
The Strait Room
An intercepted group chat between the nations involved in the Strait of Hormuz situation. Authenticity: unverified. Entertainment value: confirmed.
Strait Simulator
Think navigating the Strait of Hormuz is easy? Pilot a tanker through the world's most stressful waterway. Dodge dolphins, diplomatic incidents, floating NFTs, and time paradoxes.
Incident Simulator
A controlled environment in which you, the user, may simulate geopolitical actions and observe how the global oil market responds. Each button triggers a real-time intelligence feed update. The Tension Index never decreases. This is by design.
Ask the Analyst
Have a question about the Strait of Hormuz, the global oil market, or anything related? Submit it below. Our senior analyst (Steve) will review it personally and provide a response, in the loosest possible interpretation of the word "response."
Glossary of Terms
Definitions of terminology used elsewhere on this dossier. Compiled by our editorial committee, which is also the analyst desk, which is also Steve.
Oil & Markets
- WTI (n.)
- West Texas Intermediate. A grade of crude oil that has never been to West Texas, has never been intermediate, and is not always crude.
- BRENT (n.)
- A grade of oil named after a goose. We are not making this up. The goose has no comment.
- OPEC+ (n.)
- A group of oil-producing nations. The "+" stands for "and Russia, but we did not want to put it on the masthead."
- RISK PREMIUM (n.)
- The amount the market charges for being nervous. Currently elevated. Always currently elevated.
- SAFE HAVEN ASSET (n.)
- An asset people buy when they are scared. Notable safe haven assets include gold, US Treasuries, and a sufficiently strong drink.
- STRATEGIC RESERVE (n.)
- A barrel of oil set aside for an emergency. Owned by no one in particular. Located somewhere. Possibly two barrels.
- BARREL (n.)
- A unit of volume equal to 42 US gallons, or 159 litres, or one dolphin-load (theoretical). The barrel itself is not included. There is no barrel. It is a unit of measurement named after a container that no one uses. The oil industry is like this.
- CONTANGO (n.)
- A market condition in which future oil costs more than present oil, implying that traders believe tomorrow will be worse than today. They are usually correct.
- BACKWARDATION (n.)
- A market condition in which present oil costs more than future oil, implying that traders believe today is worse than tomorrow. This optimism is rarely justified but always touching.
- FUTURES CONTRACT (n.)
- A legally binding agreement to purchase oil at a future date at a price agreed upon today. A bet, in other words, that you have dressed in a suit.
- LNG (n.)
- Liquefied natural gas. Natural gas cooled to −162°C until it becomes a liquid, then shipped in specialized tankers that are essentially floating thermoses. 25% of global LNG transits the Strait of Hormuz. There is no bypass for these. This is fine.
- SPOT PRICE (n.)
- The price of oil right now, as opposed to the price of oil at some point in the future when things may or may not be worse. The spot price is the market's best guess at reality. The market's best guess at reality changes every second. This is considered normal.
Intelligence & Operations
- ANALYST (n.)
- A person paid to be wrong with great confidence. See also: us.
- INTELLIGENCE (n.)
- Information of unknown accuracy from sources of unknown reliability presented with known certainty.
- DOSSIER (n.)
- A folder containing things we already knew, formatted to look like things we have just discovered.
- SIGINT (n.)
- Signals intelligence. Mostly text messages we should not have read.
- HUMINT (n.)
- Human intelligence. Mostly things people told us at parties.
- CHATTER (n.)
- What we call communications when we want to imply we are listening, without admitting we are listening.
- OSINT (n.)
- Open-source intelligence. Information gathered from publicly available sources, which is to say: information we could have found on Google but are presenting as if someone risked their life for it.
- ASSET (n.)
- A person, dolphin, or DeLorean recruited to provide intelligence or perform tasks on behalf of an agency. The asset is not told everything. The asset is not told most things. The asset is, ideally, not aware they are an asset.
- NEED-TO-KNOW (adj.)
- A classification principle stating that information should only be shared with those who require it. In practice, a polite way of saying "we do not trust you with this." We do not trust you with this.
- COMPARTMENTALIZATION (n.)
- The practice of dividing sensitive operations so that no single person understands the full picture. Similar to how this dossier was written, except that in our case, nobody understands any of the picture.
Geopolitics & Diplomacy
- CHOKEPOINT (n.)
- A narrow body of water that geopolitical analysts have strong feelings about. See also: every analyst we have ever employed.
- GEOPOLITICS (n.)
- The study of why nothing has worked out and what might cause it to continue not working out.
- CEASEFIRE (n.)
- A temporary state in which the parties involved agree, in writing, to disagree more politely. Duration: variable. Historical median: shorter than expected.
- ESCALATION (n.)
- The natural state of any geopolitical situation given enough time, sufficient ego, and at least one press conference.
- DE-ESCALATION (n.)
- A pause in escalation, traditionally followed by escalation. See also: escalation.
- SANCTIONS (n.)
- Economic restrictions imposed on a nation to encourage behavior change. Success rate: disputed. The sanctioned nation typically describes the sanctions as "ineffective." The sanctioning nation typically describes them as "biting." The sanctions describe themselves as nothing, because they are a policy instrument and cannot speak.
- FREEDOM OF NAVIGATION (n.)
- The principle that ships may transit international straits without interference. Universally endorsed. Selectively observed. Occasionally demonstrated by sailing a warship through someone else's chokepoint to make a point. The point is always received. It is not always completed.
- DETERRENCE (n.)
- The strategy of preventing hostile action by maintaining the credible threat of overwhelming response. Requires the threat to be believable, the response to be overwhelming, and nobody involved to do anything stupid. Success rate varies with the third condition.
- SABER-RATTLING (n.)
- The act of making threatening gestures without immediate intention to act. Distinguished from actual aggression by approximately three press conferences, two UN resolutions, and one very long weekend.
- TRANSIT PASSAGE (n.)
- The legal right of a vessel to pass through an international strait without being stopped, questioned, or made to feel unwelcome. Codified in UNCLOS Article 38. Acknowledged by most nations. Tested by several. Enjoyed by none.
Strait-Specific
- STEVE (n.)
- See Steve.
- STRAIT INCIDENT PROBABILITY™ (n.)
- A proprietary index measuring the likelihood of a thing we are not permitted to define. Updated continuously since 2019. Still wrong.
- TANKER (n.)
- A boat with too much oil and not enough opinions about where to go.
- VLCC (n.)
- Very Large Crude Carrier. A ship capable of transporting 2 million barrels of oil. "Very Large" is the official size classification, which tells you everything you need to know about the maritime industry's commitment to understatement. The next size up is ULCC: Ultra Large. After that, presumably, they just start swearing.
- BUNKERING (n.)
- The process of refueling a ship. Named not after a bunker but after a coal bunker, which is a different kind of bunker, because the maritime industry enjoys making simple things confusing. A tanker bunkering in the strait is a ship carrying oil stopping to take on more oil so it can carry oil.
- FLAG STATE (n.)
- The country under whose flag a vessel is registered, which is frequently not the country that owns the vessel, operates the vessel, or has ever seen the vessel. A Greek-owned, Indian-crewed tanker registered in Panama flying a Liberian flag is not unusual. It is Tuesday.
- HORMUZ ISLAND (n.)
- A small Iranian island at the mouth of the strait from which the waterway derives its name. Population: approximately 6,000. Annual tourist arrivals: modest. Global oil traffic it sits beside: 21 million barrels per day. The island is aware of the irony. The island has no comment.
- TRAFFIC SEPARATION SCHEME (n.)
- The system of designated inbound and outbound shipping lanes through the strait, each 3.2 km wide, separated by a 3.2 km buffer zone. Ships entering use one lane; ships exiting use the other. The scheme works remarkably well, provided no sovereign nation decides to stand in the middle of it.
Submit Your Strait of Hormuz Solution
Think you can fix the Strait of Hormuz? Our review committee (a Magic 8-Ball and a rubber duck) is waiting. All 47,283 previous submissions were rejected.
Hint: it's the name of something on this page that should never have been declassified.